EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Floyd Landis clears the air

Mug shot of Landis? Photo: John Segesta

The breaking cycling news of the day was the report that the French had issued an international arrest warrant for Floyd Landis on the charge of computer hacking.  This news has driven Landis into hiding, forcing him to hurl his phone into the ocean as he feared that the GPS in his mobile would allow authorities to locate him. However, I was able to track Landis down and get answers to the questions that everyone is asking – what is an international arrest warrant, are you going to jail and how do you hack into a French computer?

Browne Eye: First off I’m concerned about my own welfare. You and I talk frequently – is there an international warrant out for me?
Floyd Landis: Most likely not, but we should definitely cut ties while I’m in hiding.

Browne Eye: Do I need to lawyer-up?
Landis: I don’t know what that means but it sounds like it might work.

Browne Eye: What is an international warrant?
Landis: As far as I can tell it’s a pretend document issued by WADA labs that tells the Pretend International Sherriff Station (PISS) to search for a criminal.

Browne Eye: How does this affect you dining at the International House of Pancakes?
Landis: Hopefully it doesn’t affect that but I can always fall back on Waffle House if I’m banned.

Browne Eye: I heard your international warrant might be upgraded to an intergalactic warrant. Can you shed some light on that?
Landis: Well I’m the only known human to ever have hacked into an Apple II-E using dial up and a supercharged fax machine so I’m a pretty big deal.

Browne Eye: Are you in hiding from the French police?

Bail bondsmen are on alert for Landis' international warrant

Landis: Right now I’m in a secure location and I’ve hacked into the FBI computers to check my email. I heard that the Canadian Royal Mounted Police Force may take on my case after they finish investigating how a guy died on a sled at 100 miles per hour and also figuring out how Georgia even got to the Olympics as a country. At that point I’ll probably go on the lam.

Browne Eye: Is Interpol after you?
Landis: Probably.

Browne Eye: Are the American authorities searching for you as well?
Landis: Yes, but I think that might be for other reasons.

Browne Eye: If you go to prison do you think you could survive?
Landis: I’m not sure. If it’s a French prison I should be fine.

Browne Eye: Do you know how to make a shiv out of common prison items (ex. pencil, paper, silverware)?
Landis: Yes.

Browne Eye: According to the press you have some fairly sophisticated skills – you’re a computer hacker and a professional athlete. You’re kinda like a Menonite James Bond. What other skills do you have? Are you actually a spy?
Landis: I’m more of a mercenary. I like money.

Browne Eye: Hypothetically speaking, how would a person hack into the French lab’s Apple II-E computer using transistors purchased from a RadioShack?
Landis: You need an old fax machine and some transistors from Radio Shack and you can make a mobile hacking machine.

Browne Eye: Is using a dial-up modem the best way to bust through a firewall?
Landis: Always.

Browne Eye: Are your hacking services for hire?
Landis: I like money.

Browne Eye: Would you be willing to quit the lucrative PGA “Quite Please” job?
Landis: Probably not but the PGA gig is too high profile now that I’m wanted.

Browne Eye: What’s your next hacking assignment?
Landis: I’m going to hack into the towel machine here at the carwash to steal the quarters so I have cash while I’m on the run.

Browne Eye: Do you even know how to use a computer other than for posting on Twitter?
Landis: Yes. I’ve even hacked into one of those old adding machines at one point and a xerox machine.

Browne Eye: Who are you racing for now?
Landis: No.

Browne Eye: Can I get you to race in a Browne Eye Media jersey?
Landis: Yes, I would gladly do that.

Browne Eye: What’s your next move?
Landis: I’ll probably surrender under my own recognizance or whatever you call that. That seems like the best choice.

Browne Eye: You talk of your love of  money – there seems to be a relationship between time and money.
Landis: There does appear to be a linear relationship. I raced in Arizona on Saturday and because I didn’t sign in I was given a choice of a 20 dollar fine or a 30 second penalty so the relationship is $40/1 minute.

Browne Eye: Is there a way of negotiating my way up the general classification at a race?
Landis: Yes. You just need to apply this formula: X=Y x 40 where Y is the time you need to make up times the number of racers you need to overtake and X is your cost in dollars.

Browne Eye: Are you racing for Rock?
Landis: No? I’m big time now.

Landis is scheduled to be on Larry King Live tomorrow night. Every time he says “Browne Eye” take a drink.

I have very recently received photos from photographer T Love that seem to be chronicling Landis’ movements in and around the New York area. I received no information on the context of the photos and at this point I’m only speculating what might be occurring. I’m only filling in the blanks with the information I have at hand.

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  1. Tyler Crotts says:

    Wow! Floyd Landis has got to be the most talented person the world has ever seen. First he was a skilled Menonite then he became an amazing Mountian Biker, after those two remarkable feets he went on to become the first Menonite mountain biker to ride a wheelie on a road bike. After what most would call an amazing career Landis made the move to road racing. Then the guy goes on to become the first Menonite roadie wheelie rider to ever drink 13 cappuccinos in one sitting!!!! (This is turning in to quite the impressive list of that french word for victories.) Never to be satisfied though, Landis decided to train relentlessly and become Lance Armstrong’s lieutenant in a certain stage of the 2004 TDF- oh yeah not to mention, he also had a pretty respectable finish in a time trial the day before that stage.

    After all of that hard work Landis decided to up the antiy just a little more win the 2006 Tour De France with an amazing display of tactical skill and pure balls to the wall American bad ass performance. The French realized that they were far to intelligent to have been duped by a silly American and that it had to be cheating. So, then Landis decided to do what any out of work cyclist would, he learned to hack computers.

    What an amazing man, he deserves an award!

    -Sorry for writing a blogs worth in your comment box Neil. Keep up the great work. Thanks for moving to our town!

  2. p'd off Mennonite says:

    Neil, you misspelled Mennonite, then people comment on the article and misspell Mennonite. Get a spellchecker. Crap, 8th grade educated Amish spell better than you do.

    • neilroad says:

      I doubt that you are in fact a Mennonite. Like Eskimos, Mennonites don’t use computers and would have no knowledge of this interview. I suspect you are in fact a Unitarian.

        • p'd off Mennonite says:

          Funny how you spelled Unitarian correctly, Niel Broun… but just like Dirk Willems, I’ll reach back to save you from your faux pax (that’s French, by the way, as is “donnez-moi votre mot de passe”), even though I’m sure you’ll turn around and throw me under the proverbial bus.

      • p'd off Mennonite says:

        I think it’s time, now that Neil has had his spelling lesson, to move forward and figure out how a high school educated Mennonite became so adept as to crack a laboratory computer, and not in Low German, mind you, but in French. Friggin’ brilliant. I’m proud, almost as proud as the first day I heard the words Mennonite and testosterone in the same sentence. Floyd rocks, and keep feeding us, Neil!

  3. strbuk says:

    Neil as always you get to the heart of the matter. Please let us know where we can send funds to Floyd so that he can stop hacking. Keep him out of the sewers, I hear the cats down there are dangerous.


  4. azcycledad says:

    While I’m getting a great chuckle from these interviews, I’m still saddened by the course of the whole affair. I read Floyd’s book and remembered the boy riding in sweatpants and coming in 2nd at a mountainbike race – WOW. I remember getting passed by an older “kid” going over a popular SoCal climb as he said,”Hey, howzitgoin’?”–whoosh. His work as a ‘Postie’ for Lance and then something I would consider a logical part of the whole progression, on his own team winning the TdF. It just seems that the rest of the story to this point just doesn’t match the past. My sincere wish is to once again see this great talent grace the roads traveled by and with the professional peloton. To get the chance to prove his natural ability on the podium wearing the yellow shirt. This may be a dream I may never get to realize as the head-hunting machine hasn’t run out of gas yet. The road ahead seems dark for my hero. But, for now at least, I get to see him apply his craft in the local race and see a cycling icon power his way down the road. And, as I share the foundations of his parent’s convictions, I seek the deity’s help for Floyd. Ride on!

  5. Theresa says:

    If it wasn’t for you, Neil, we would never have the scoop on what Floyd is up to!! Thanks for keeping us in the loop! Floyd can come hide out in MO, there are places you are lucky if you can get dial-up or bars on your cell phone! I know he wouldn’t mind outhouses!

  6. Bill Laudien says:

    Floyd will impress me when he stops being a patsy.

    Lying for the boss and begging money from his friends is wrong, but it at least made sense when he was getting paid.

    But when you’re unemployed and left out in the cold and you’re still covering for a guy flying first class…well that really makes you somebody’s bitch now doesn’t it ?

    • Indiedoc says:

      RT @neilroad: Heard Craig Hummer ( @h2o007 ) gave accolades to Larry King regarding MY quote “Landis is the Mennonite James Bond” http:/ …

    • FakeBillWho says:

      @neilroad Any way we can get CH replaced with someone who actually *knows* something about cycling? (Like, you, perhaps?)

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