The breaking cycling news of the day was the report that the French had issued an international arrest warrant for Floyd Landis on the charge of computer hacking. This news has driven Landis into hiding, forcing him to hurl his phone into the ocean as he feared that the GPS in his mobile would allow authorities to locate him. However, I was able to track Landis down and get answers to the questions that everyone is asking – what is an international arrest warrant, are you going to jail and how do you hack into a French computer?
Browne Eye: First off I’m concerned about my own welfare. You and I talk frequently – is there an international warrant out for me?
Floyd Landis: Most likely not, but we should definitely cut ties while I’m in hiding.
Browne Eye: Do I need to lawyer-up?
Landis: I don’t know what that means but it sounds like it might work.
Browne Eye: What is an international warrant?
Landis: As far as I can tell it’s a pretend document issued by WADA labs that tells the Pretend International Sherriff Station (PISS) to search for a criminal.
Browne Eye: How does this affect you dining at the International House of Pancakes?
Landis: Hopefully it doesn’t affect that but I can always fall back on Waffle House if I’m banned.
Browne Eye: I heard your international warrant might be upgraded to an intergalactic warrant. Can you shed some light on that?
Landis: Well I’m the only known human to ever have hacked into an Apple II-E using dial up and a supercharged fax machine so I’m a pretty big deal.
Browne Eye: Are you in hiding from the French police?
Landis: Right now I’m in a secure location and I’ve hacked into the FBI computers to check my email. I heard that the Canadian Royal Mounted Police Force may take on my case after they finish investigating how a guy died on a sled at 100 miles per hour and also figuring out how Georgia even got to the Olympics as a country. At that point I’ll probably go on the lam.
Browne Eye: Is Interpol after you?
Browne Eye: Are the American authorities searching for you as well?
Landis: Yes, but I think that might be for other reasons.
Browne Eye: If you go to prison do you think you could survive?
Landis: I’m not sure. If it’s a French prison I should be fine.
Browne Eye: Do you know how to make a shiv out of common prison items (ex. pencil, paper, silverware)?
Browne Eye: According to the press you have some fairly sophisticated skills – you’re a computer hacker and a professional athlete. You’re kinda like a Menonite James Bond. What other skills do you have? Are you actually a spy?
Landis: I’m more of a mercenary. I like money.
Browne Eye: Hypothetically speaking, how would a person hack into the French lab’s Apple II-E computer using transistors purchased from a RadioShack?
Landis: You need an old fax machine and some transistors from Radio Shack and you can make a mobile hacking machine.
Browne Eye: Is using a dial-up modem the best way to bust through a firewall?
Browne Eye: Are your hacking services for hire?
Landis: I like money.
Browne Eye: Would you be willing to quit the lucrative PGA “Quite Please” job?
Landis: Probably not but the PGA gig is too high profile now that I’m wanted.
Browne Eye: What’s your next hacking assignment?
Landis: I’m going to hack into the towel machine here at the carwash to steal the quarters so I have cash while I’m on the run.
Browne Eye: Do you even know how to use a computer other than for posting on Twitter?
Landis: Yes. I’ve even hacked into one of those old adding machines at one point and a xerox machine.
Browne Eye: Who are you racing for now?
Browne Eye: Can I get you to race in a Browne Eye Media jersey?
Landis: Yes, I would gladly do that.
Browne Eye: What’s your next move?
Landis: I’ll probably surrender under my own recognizance or whatever you call that. That seems like the best choice.
Browne Eye: You talk of your love of money – there seems to be a relationship between time and money.
Landis: There does appear to be a linear relationship. I raced in Arizona on Saturday and because I didn’t sign in I was given a choice of a 20 dollar fine or a 30 second penalty so the relationship is $40/1 minute.
Browne Eye: Is there a way of negotiating my way up the general classification at a race?
Landis: Yes. You just need to apply this formula: X=Y x 40 where Y is the time you need to make up times the number of racers you need to overtake and X is your cost in dollars.
Browne Eye: Are you racing for Rock?
Landis: No? I’m big time now.
Landis is scheduled to be on Larry King Live tomorrow night. Every time he says “Browne Eye” take a drink.
I have very recently received photos from photographer T Love that seem to be chronicling Landis’ movements in and around the New York area. I received no information on the context of the photos and at this point I’m only speculating what might be occurring. I’m only filling in the blanks with the information I have at hand.