Floyd Landis: Living the dream behind the car wash
Since my last conversation with Floyd Landis his luck has turned around. With a record setting time trial victory in the Tour of the Bahamas, Landis has been offered a lucrative job. Not content with just working, Landis has also taken a group of young cyclists under his wing and is guiding them in the fine art of cycling. As you can see, life at the Landis shack is looking up.
Browne Eye: How were you lucky enough to get a job as a golf marshal?
Floyd Landis: Well I was lucky enough to run into a guy who works for the Quiet Sign Holders Union and he is also a cyclist so I was allowed in without doing time as a sign holder for car washes and things like that on the sidewalk. Ordinarily you would have to do several years as a sign twirler so I’m the youngest Quiet Sign Holder in history.
Browne Eye: What are some of the skills required to be a golf marshal?
Landis: It takes tremendous focus and an ability to project an aura of authority. Many former Quiet Sign Holders have gone on to be such things as managers at fast food establishments and RadioShacks.
Browne Eye: Is it as much a cougar magnet as it is rumored?
Landis: You know there is some wild life around Torrey Pines because it’s on the beach but the bigger danger is dolphins, they are sexual predators. I’ve personally never had a run in with a cougar.
Browne Eye: Do you have to wash a lot of golf balls?
Landis: No, that’s an entirely different union, the Ball Shiners Union, and they don’t get along with the Quiet Sign guys.
Browne Eye: Tell us about your shack behind the car wash.
Landis: It’s quite nice. Now that I’ve got an income I’ve been able to get a home equity loan and I’m going to head over to Home Depot to get a new roof/tarp before it starts raining again. The cardboard just doesn’t hold up when it gets wet.
Browne Eye: What are some of the perks of living behind a car wash?
Landis: A lot of times people will put a stack of quarters on the ledge where you pay for the car wash and they’ll forget some of them when they leave or not notice you taking them while they are washing the car. Also, there are often half smoked cigarette butts on the ground so that saves me quite a bit of cash.
Browne Eye: The U-23 Garmin riders probably have all the fundamentals of training down. What else can you show them? Are you demonstrating proper wheelie technique?
Landis: I really don’t know much about that. I just give them a place to stay and ride with them now and then. Usually if they have questions I suggest a book by Chris Carmichael or something of that nature or just tell them to quit.
Browne Eye: Is it legal for you to have that many young boys staying with you at your shack?
Landis: Probably not, I don’t have a building permit for the upgrades I’m doing so the whole thing is not exactly legal.
Browne Eye: What’s the vibe like staying with you at the shack? Do you make them do things for you?
Landis: We have lots of boom boxes and shitty Chinese made remote control cars and transistors and shit like that so there is never a dull moment as long as you are one of those nut jobs that are into that sort of nonsense. Also we have lots of rechargeable batteries.
Browne Eye: What’s your daily training regiment since your victory in the time trial in the Tour of the Bahamas?
Landis: Since then I’ve started my sign holding career so my training has been less intense. I’ve found that my arms get tired if I ride too much.
Browne Eye: Now that it looks like Rock Racing has a Mexican racing license will you be racing for Rock?
Browne Eye: What book is on your nightstand right now?
Landis: Well, I use an upside down Folgers coffee can as a nightstand and it has car wash tokens and a bottle of Johnny Walker on it. I had to burn the book a few nights ago for heat and I can’t remember what it was. I think it was a heart rate monitor user manual but I can’t remember. It could have been We Might as Well Marry a Hooker. Either way I never read it.