Once again I need to step in and sort shit out and this time it’s the Tour of the Gila. This proud race was on the verge of extinction until SRAM stepped in with some much needed sponsorship dollars. To further pump life back into this New Mexico stage race Armstrong and crew for the past two years have added this event to their calendar as they ramp up their training for the Tour of California. Plus Gila has podium girls with sick tatts. Talk about a score! With all that going for it you’d think that they might have somewhat organized results. Unfortunately that’s not the case, so like I said, I have stepped in to sort this shit-show out.
First off let’s get to the bottom of the final general classification. There is the obvious snafu during the podium awards. David Zabriskie is brought onto the stage for third overall and then after the ceremony is over there’s a “do-over” and Phil Zajicek is brought onto the podium and he’s awarded third instead. According to the “officials” he beat DZ by nine seconds in the stage. This is where it gets mathematically strange. Zabriskie had a ten second buffer over the Fly V rider at the start of the stage. I’m no Neil deGrasse Tyson, but even I know that doesn’t add up. There’s only one way to solve this dilemma in a civilized manner – poetry slam. First round consists of rhyming about their last names. Second round’s theme is slams against each others directors and final slam is crowd choice. Best two out of three is third place overall in general classification.
There was some controversy regarding the second and third place finishers of today’s stage. French Canadian photojournalist Lyne Lamoureux has been attending all the major American races this year, tweeting results and writing race reports. She had her trigger finger on the trusty Canon as riders crossed the finish line. Her finish line photo clearly shows Rob Britton of Bissell rolling across for second and on his rear wheel is Max Jenkins for third. The race officials didn’t see it that way and swapped the results: Jenkins second, Britton third. It’s hard to dispute photographic evidence but I think it might go deeper than that. I suspect a French Canadian conspiracy afoot and Lamoureux is trying to spread discontent among the riders with a doctored photo! I see no other alternative but to let the results stand, deport Lamoureux and not allow her into the country until she eliminates at least half of those vowels from her name. Clearly she added the “x” just to mess with us.
Because of this obvious French Canadian conspiracy I also truly doubt that Leipheimer really won. Why should I believe anything at this point? The only logical winner is Floyd Landis of OUCH/Bahati Foundation. So there you go Tour of the Gila – problem solved.
And the best excuse you could come up with was snow? Next stop, Tour of California.