Tour of the Gila – who’s to blame? Snow or French Canadians?

Leipheimer - winner of Gila or part of the conspiracy?

Once again I need to step in and sort shit out and this time it’s the Tour of the Gila. This proud race was on the verge of extinction until SRAM stepped in with some much needed sponsorship dollars. To further pump life back into this New Mexico stage race Armstrong and crew for the past two years have added this event to their calendar as they ramp up their training for the Tour of California. Plus Gila has podium girls with sick tatts. Talk about a score! With all that going for it you’d think that they might have somewhat organized results. Unfortunately that’s not the case, so like I said, I have stepped in to sort this shit-show out.

First off let’s get to the bottom of the final general classification. There is the obvious snafu during the podium awards. David Zabriskie is brought onto the stage for third overall and then after the ceremony is over there’s a “do-over” and Phil Zajicek is brought onto the podium and he’s awarded third instead. According to the “officials” he beat DZ by nine seconds in the stage. This is where it gets mathematically strange. Zabriskie had a ten second buffer over the Fly V rider at the start of the stage. I’m no Neil deGrasse Tyson, but even I know that doesn’t add up. There’s only one way to solve this dilemma in a civilized manner – poetry slam. First round consists of rhyming about their last names. Second round’s theme is slams against each others directors and final slam is crowd choice. Best two out of three is third place overall in general classification.

Landis - the true winner of Gila

There was some controversy regarding the second and third place finishers of today’s stage. French Canadian photojournalist Lyne Lamoureux has been attending all the major American races this year, tweeting results and writing race reports. She had her trigger finger on the trusty Canon as riders crossed the finish line. Her finish line photo clearly shows Rob Britton of Bissell rolling across for second and on his rear wheel is Max Jenkins for third. The race officials didn’t see it that way and swapped the results: Jenkins second, Britton third. It’s hard to dispute photographic evidence but I think it might go deeper than that. I suspect a French Canadian conspiracy afoot and Lamoureux is trying to spread discontent among the riders with a doctored photo! I see no other alternative but to let the results stand, deport Lamoureux and not allow her into the country until she eliminates at least half of those vowels from her name. Clearly she added the “x” just to mess with us.

Because of this obvious French Canadian conspiracy I also truly doubt that Leipheimer really won. Why should I believe anything at this point? The only logical winner is Floyd Landis of OUCH/Bahati Foundation. So there you go Tour of the Gila – problem solved.

And the best excuse you could come up with was snow? Next stop, Tour of California.

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14 Responses to “Tour of the Gila – who’s to blame? Snow or French Canadians?”

  1. Unjust May 2, 2010 at 11:59 pm #

    Stoked for the future of team-free bike racing after Ouch Independent Floyd’s victory at Gila, challenged only by Team Give’s Lone Star Burke Swindlehurst.

  2. Patrick May 3, 2010 at 12:13 am #

    Most overheard cheer at the Tour of the Gila Criterium, “Come On Floyd!” He had a big crowd there, probably more than Armstrong as one woman was heard to ask, “which one is Lance?”

    There is always a Canadian Conspiracy or I would be able to order ham on my wife’s pizza.

    I would also like details on the “tatts” on the podium girls. The two I photographed this week were strapless and clean, in a manner of speaking.

    • neilroad May 3, 2010 at 12:19 am #

      Leave it to Velonews to get to the bottom of the real important story: tattooed podium girls

      • Patrick May 3, 2010 at 12:24 am #

        Well color me DUH! I probably should stick around for the Podium ceremonies more.

  3. Unjust Jeff May 4, 2010 at 1:07 am #

    It seems amateurs and volunteers are welcome in PR and DS roles, but officials better be ProTour.

    • neilroad May 4, 2010 at 1:24 am #

      I think most people would be happy with timely results and being able to identify 2nd and 3rd place riders. Other than that it’s a great race.

  4. neilroad May 4, 2010 at 3:56 am #

    Hey @tourofthegila I already have it figured out for you. My blog explains everything… #gila

    • smthcriminal May 4, 2010 at 12:07 am #

      @neilroad sorry but Dave has it hands down then, if you’ve ever heard Zabriskie MC you know he’s got it in the bag! lol

    • smthcriminal May 4, 2010 at 12:09 am #

      @neilroad & just to add to evidence..I took the same photo:

      • neilroad May 4, 2010 at 4:12 am #

        @smthcriminal How do I not know that you have also not altered the pic & are part of the French-Canadian conspiracy? Free @DZnuts!

        • smthcriminal May 4, 2010 at 12:40 am #

          @neilroad cuz I am American, found another one:

        • smthcriminal May 4, 2010 at 12:41 am #

          @neilroad on another note, I have Zabriskie’s latest track. will be dropping soon on the airwaves.. “DZ Nuts”

    • thomasafine May 4, 2010 at 12:13 am #

      @neilroad Well, everything except how you stole the idea from @sarcastitom.

    • saska50 May 4, 2010 at 12:44 am #

      @neilroad Great story. I laughed & laughed! Oh wasn’t I supposed to Neil- that all was real? Funny.

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