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Cavendish’s email to teammates leaked

Cav's email inspires his team PHOTO: Tim De Waele

Cav’s email inspires his team PHOTO: Tim De Waele

It’s been no secret that Mark Cavendish hasn’t been happy with the level of support he’s received from his Omega Pharma-QuickStep teammates. The Belgian squad’s spring classic season was a disappointment in comparison to the days when Tom Boonen was winning Paris-Roubaix and the Tour of Flanders.

Team manager Patrick Lefevre has told the press that he is already on the hunt for riders that can support Cavendish in the sprint and is going to bench those who can’t. In a last ditch effort to shore up support for the Manx Missile in the Giro d’Italia, suddenly retired Alessandro Petacchi was attempting to transfer to Omega Pharma-QuickStep. However, the UCI blocked that possibility leaving the Italian sprinter out of his nation’s grand tour and Cav without an experienced leadout rider.

Perhaps it was out of this frustration that Mark Cavendish sent his teammates this scathing email, leaked to Browne Eye Media, the night prior to the start of the Giro.

 

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

 

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this team, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of sprint lead outs and the spring classics. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Mark, I’ve been having so much fun with my teammates this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you in the team hotel to do it myself.

 

I do not give a flying fuck, and Omega Pharma-QuickStep does not give a flying fuck about how much you fucking love to talk to your teammates. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to teammates, and these three weeks is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. These three weeks is about winning stages in the Giro, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to ride around and talk to each other and not coordinate a leadout train. Newsflash you stupid cocks: THE GIRO DON’T LIKE BORING TEAMS. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: THE GIRO IS NOT GOING TO INVITE US TO HANG OUT IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about transferring to a different team IN FRONT OF THE UCI. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore stage races. If the RCS openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Lampre-Merida over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be leading out with 20 kilometers to go. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other teammates to lead out so early.

 

“But Mark!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our team at all the spring classics, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT 2.1 UCI EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD in the peloton (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s a leadout?” is not fucking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A CLASSIC? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like, you think being a good little supporter of the team is going to make our management happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MANAGEMENT. I will fucking dick punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you tell the UCI, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

 

“Ohhh Mark, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that rides in the back of the peloton or if you’re a weird shit that always has mechanicals, this following message is for you:

 

DO NOT GO TO THE GIRO.

 

I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS TEAM. I would rather have 3 guys that can lead me out, talk to podium girls, and not fucking awkward than 25 that are fucking idiots. If you are one of the people that have told me, “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t leadout the team”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t fucking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our team. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at the Giro, I will tell you to leave even if you’re pulling 1500 watts in the sprint. I’m not even kidding. Try me.

 

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

Apparently this rather harsh email to his teammates motivated the squad. While Omega Pharma-QuickStep did start the leadout far too soon, Cavendish was still able to take the stage  win.

In case anyone thinks this is a real email from Cavendish, it’s a real email from a sorority sister with some changes to the text. Here’s also a dramatic reading to give you the full flavor.

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40 Responses to “Cavendish’s email to teammates leaked”

  1. @MrgrtMaxine May 4, 2013 at 3:42 pm #

    Hilarisch!“@neilroad: Mark Cavendish’s email to his teammates the night before the Giro. Harsh words that motivated” http://t.co/EE46OPtAJT”

    • Ranto May 4, 2013 at 5:02 pm #

      He is not very eloquent.

  2. @AndreQuirino May 4, 2013 at 4:41 pm #

    Cavendish’s email to his team!! BEST EVER WAKE UP CALL!! http://t.co/JOXVPdZZAZ

  3. @Papapvictor May 4, 2013 at 5:30 pm #

    A must-read. Unbelievably harsh, immature Mark Cavendish’s email to teammates leaked http://t.co/74UIZwzzIQ via @zite #cycling

  4. @jonathangrimes May 4, 2013 at 6:28 pm #

    Nice bloke, that Cavendish. http://t.co/pVjWYqyp3v

  5. @CardosoLynnda May 4, 2013 at 7:49 pm #

    Cavendish’s email to teammates leaked http://t.co/DpeQ9ydbZz via @neilroad

  6. @danmokane May 4, 2013 at 8:49 pm #

    Cav’s email seems to have done the trick.
    http://t.co/MCRD7bKKTL

  7. spokejunky May 4, 2013 at 9:26 pm #

    I like Michael Shannon’s version best.

  8. English Dude May 4, 2013 at 9:36 pm #

    This is fake, no way is Mark that educated or even that funny.

  9. @ToddLarlee May 4, 2013 at 10:41 pm #

    This is g-damn hilarious!!! RT @gavontwitt: #likeaboss Cavendish’s email to teammates leaked http://t.co/yLf9vP8rJa via @neilroad

  10. @MrMatie May 5, 2013 at 1:03 am #

    Leaked is Mark Cavendish’s email to his teammates the night before the Giro. Harsh words… http://t.co/aQ2ivFFzSl”

  11. @pelotonimages May 5, 2013 at 2:42 am #

    http://t.co/KHFC0xTbPU Cav losing his shit.. Must read!!

  12. @elsjes May 5, 2013 at 3:05 am #

    Ik ben niet per se voor wielrennen, maar ik ben wel voor schaamteloze rants http://t.co/YuMZHA7ivz

  13. @CormacClarke May 5, 2013 at 4:07 am #

    “@MarkMcKinley: http://t.co/oOzysCGgY0 oh dear cav!” What a fucking legend lol

  14. @grahamlucena May 5, 2013 at 7:05 am #

    Cavendish speaks his mind ! http://t.co/WSeJRcFrx6

  15. @bikehugger May 5, 2013 at 10:17 am #

    That you’re all wankers leaked Cavs email @neilroad posted last night is still resonating with the team this morning

    http://t.co/H26gmPRNxH

  16. @despod May 5, 2013 at 10:48 am #

    @rorycobbe This http://t.co/qcCt3WToOy suggests otherwise..

  17. TK May 5, 2013 at 12:01 pm #

    Unless he copied this email from deadspin and altered it…. Not real.

    http://www.dlisted.com/2013/04/18/popular-demand-sorority-girl-e-mail-end-all-sorority-girl-e-mails

  18. @Jedistev May 5, 2013 at 2:37 pm #

    #likeaboss Cavendish’s email to teammates leaked http://t.co/KAkZvVlmsp via @neilroad

  19. Duh May 6, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

    Yeah, it’s kind of like this: http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-deranged-sorority-girl-email-you-will-ever-read

    Sort of a joke guys! Geez…

  20. @supcat May 6, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

    So plausible, @neilroad … http://t.co/cRTY06oWFr

  21. @tomCopeland_ May 6, 2013 at 3:34 pm #

    If this email is true then wow! Say’s a lot about Cav’s character for the good and the bad! http://t.co/Q0dHtmYYqc Worth a read either way!

  22. @cwelton May 6, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

    This leaked email from Mark Cavendish is tremendously fun. http://t.co/fCa01HpQ97 “I will fucking dick punt…” Brilliant.

  23. @TheGroupRide May 6, 2013 at 7:00 pm #

    Anthony Robbins can’t hold a candle to Mark Cavendish’s motivational skills! Email to team: http://t.co/PlWbRpGEax

  24. @danielwisner May 6, 2013 at 10:33 pm #

    I pray this is real. Cavendish’s email to teammates leaked http://t.co/Qsdi7Qn4wg #FB

  25. @Smudge64 May 7, 2013 at 12:11 am #

    Cavendish’s email to teammates leaked http://t.co/LpgTJK6Lik via @neilroad

  26. @FraserNorthey May 7, 2013 at 2:29 am #

    An email that was leaked from Mark Cavendish…I had a Little chuckle http://t.co/SFpSGSNfS8

  27. @mjaeggli May 7, 2013 at 11:07 am #

    Thought of this http://t.co/6wuRu48pp3 when I read @neilroad blog post http://t.co/Nam8Phq7ZJ #profamity

  28. @jwarne007 May 7, 2013 at 7:30 pm #

    Cavendish’s email to teammates leaked http://t.co/IYJmgke92O via @zite Hilarious…take the time to read it…very very funny,

  29. @henning May 8, 2013 at 12:10 am #

    Arguably the most entertaining motivational email ever sent to colleagues on a pro cycling team: http://t.co/MOQih62mab #cavendish #smash

  30. @OZKOFI May 8, 2013 at 9:04 am #

    @surlypat do you have a new job writing Cav’s emails? http://t.co/6mCCCOJXzV

  31. @CyclingnRunning May 9, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

    Have a Look At this Cavendish?s email to teammates leaked http://t.co/7FbjDs5y5l

  32. @mikejgirling May 9, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

    @dodgyd check this out http://t.co/MniwSscRJP

  33. Neil Browne (@neilroad) May 9, 2013 at 10:30 pm #

    The @Guardian UK calls my “Leaked Cavendish email” post a “heavy-handed parody.” You’re welcome England. http://t.co/lrB4X9okdW

  34. @jaimiefuller May 10, 2013 at 2:08 am #

    this piece by @neilroad just makes me like @MarkCavendish even more than i already did, if thats possible. #brilliant
    http://t.co/1NpIAz4u9s

  35. @StevieSBR May 10, 2013 at 9:48 am #

    @jaimiefuller @neilroad isn’t the the exact same email that was said to be from Mark Cavendish (it wasn’t) http://t.co/4HkP52WgWJ

  36. @Adrian_Bb June 3, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

    Cavendish’s email to teammates leaked | Browne Eye Blog http://t.co/4VSNSYEZ6n

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Giro Microdose: GIRO OF ITALY!! #ISTHISLIVE?! ‹ Cycleboredom - May 4, 2013

    [...] mere hours after lambasting his Omega Pharma-Quick Step teammates voor shite leadouts, Mark (Is This Live?) Cavendish made good on his bid to get into the pink first [...]

  2. Rocacorba Daily | Cycling Tips - May 5, 2013

    [...] Ok, yep, the email isn’t actually really from Cav — it’s a tweaked version of a hilarious scathing email from a sorority sister a few years back — but you could almost believe Cav wrote it. Almost. This might be obvious but the piece does contain a whole lot of profanity. That said, have a read here. [...]

  3. Rocacorba Daily | Cycling Tips - May 5, 2013

    [...] Ok, yep, the email isn’t actually really from Cav — it’s a tweaked version of a hilariously scathing email from a sorority sister a few years back — but you could almost believe Cav wrote it. Almost. This might be obvious but the piece does contain a whole lot of profanity. That said, have a read here. [...]

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