It’s been no secret that Mark Cavendish hasn’t been happy with the level of support he’s received from his Omega Pharma-QuickStep teammates. The Belgian squad’s spring classic season was a disappointment in comparison to the days when Tom Boonen was winning Paris-Roubaix and the Tour of Flanders.

Team manager Patrick Lefevre has told the press that he is already on the hunt for riders that can support Cavendish in the sprint and is going to bench those who can’t. In a last ditch effort to shore up support for the Manx Missile in the Giro d’Italia, suddenly retired Alessandro Petacchi was attempting to transfer to Omega Pharma-QuickStep. However, the UCI blocked that possibility leaving the Italian sprinter out of his nation’s grand tour and Cav without an experienced leadout rider.

Perhaps it was out of this frustration that Mark Cavendish sent his teammates this scathing email, leaked to Browne Eye Media, the night prior to the start of the Giro.

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

 

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this team, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of sprint lead outs and the spring classics. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Mark, I’ve been having so much fun with my teammates this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you in the team hotel to do it myself.

 

I do not give a flying fuck, and Omega Pharma-QuickStep does not give a flying fuck about how much you fucking love to talk to your teammates. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to teammates, and these three weeks is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. These three weeks is about winning stages in the Giro, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to ride around and talk to each other and not coordinate a leadout train. Newsflash you stupid cocks: THE GIRO DON’T LIKE BORING TEAMS. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: THE GIRO IS NOT GOING TO INVITE US TO HANG OUT IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about transferring to a different team IN FRONT OF THE UCI. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore stage races. If the RCS openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Lampre-Merida over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be leading out with 20 kilometers to go. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other teammates to lead out so early.

 

“But Mark!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our team at all the spring classics, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT 2.1 UCI EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD in the peloton (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s a leadout?” is not fucking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A CLASSIC? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like, you think being a good little supporter of the team is going to make our management happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MANAGEMENT. I will fucking dick punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you tell the UCI, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

 

“Ohhh Mark, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that rides in the back of the peloton or if you’re a weird shit that always has mechanicals, this following message is for you:

 

DO NOT GO TO THE GIRO.

 

I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS TEAM. I would rather have 3 guys that can lead me out, talk to podium girls, and not fucking awkward than 25 that are fucking idiots. If you are one of the people that have told me, “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t leadout the team”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t fucking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our team. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at the Giro, I will tell you to leave even if you’re pulling 1500 watts in the sprint. I’m not even kidding. Try me.

 

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

Apparently this rather harsh email to his teammates motivated the squad. While Omega Pharma-QuickStep did start the leadout far too soon, Cavendish was still able to take the stage  win.

In case anyone thinks this is a real email from Cavendish, it’s a real email from a sorority sister with some changes to the text. Here’s also a dramatic reading to give you the full flavor.