It was with great sadness that I read today that Bradley Wiggins – someone who you had recognized as raw talent – was leaving Garmin-Transitions and joining Team Sky with a four year contract. I know how disappointed you must be to have a potential Tour de France champion leave the team. All is not lost. Christian Vande Velde can still be a threat for the podium at the Tour, and you yourself have mentioned David Zabriskie could have a breakout year. And let’s be honest, Team Sky paid you a bundle to get Wiggo out of his remaining year – that’s a lot of cash for POM-martinis. However one piece of the equation is still missing – another Englishman.
Taking a page from Fat Cyclist, I am proposing you bring me onto the Garmin-Transitions team. On the surface you might have some reservations. Yes, I’m a hair over 40 and perhaps past my ‘prime’. And yes, technically I have dual citizenship with Ireland due to my father. However, my mother is British and all I need to do fill out a British citizenship form, pay 460 pounds and before you know it I’m singing God save the Queen. With my move to South Carolina I have been able to get in great training miles and I’m getting good sensations in my legs. But I can bring more to the table than just cycling skills. Let’s face it, you need someone on the team that ‘gets’ Zabriskie. I’m that guy. I understand his love of comics and can match him with his random movie quotes. Let’s not forget David Millar. Dave and I got on famously a few years back, putting back a few cold ones and discussing our love of Underworld. While I don’t quite have the accent that Dave has, after a few months of hanging out I’ll develop an outrageous British accent that will finally make my parents proud.
Sure Wiggins was fourth at the Tour, but he was a PR nightmare! He was a deer in headlights whenever the camera was turned on him and then there’s those drunken Tweets sent out after a few Guinness (well I can’t 100% guarantee no drunken Tweets). I’m a natural when it comes to speaking on camera and can drone on forever about myself, the team or how fabulous POM is to drink after a race. Finally, I’m a big deal on Twitter, which as you know, is how all communication will be done. To further sweeten the pot I suggest we put a philanthropic angle to my arrival to the Garmin-Transition team. We need a cause that really tugs at the heart strings. The world needs a charity for children who have never felt the joy of an Egyptian silk shirt with pearl buttons against their skin or even the sheer pleasure of owning an ascot, never mind even wearing one. And instead of a charity wrist band we could get scarfs and cummerbunds designed with our charity’s hand stitched logo. You and I have spoken in the past of the importance of fashion. How can you let the children of today become the Old Navy wearers of tomorrow? Is that a world you want to live in? I know I don’t.
Your public relations person has all my people’s information so lets talk soon and iron out the details. And remember, we’re not doing this for me or for you, but for the children.