The Floyd Landis exclusive!

Landis on the prowl for cans

Out of the blue I received a phone call. My source – code name “Balls Deep” was on the other end speaking Pig Latin.

I’ll spare you the Pig Latin, but translated my contact relayed this exciting bit of information, “Word from behind the car wash is that Landis is riding again.”

What?! I made him repeat it again. My source is still recovering from a recent bike crash, so I thought the meds might be playing havoc with his mind.

“He’s racing in Nevada City. Talking about attempting to tie Armstrong for the amount of wins,” he excitedly explained.

“A friend of a friend who knew this guy said he heard Landis talking shit about how well his left-turning ability is. Plus he’s grown in a really bad ass goatee!”

Shit this was serious! A bad ass goatee is in Landis terms like a pirate ship running up it’s skull and crossbones flag – it means war.

The last communication I’d had from him was that he was holed up in his shack behind the car wash and thinking of going back to his “Quiet Please” sign holding career at the local golf course. “That job really helped me clear out the clutter in my mind,” Landis once told me in one of his contemplative moments. I had no idea he was thinking of throwing a leg over a bike again other than as a mode of transportation to pick up aluminum cans along the south bound I-5.

Bad ass goatee? Check!

I grabbed my phone and called the Floyd Landis hotline. Over the din of spray hoses and honking car horns signaling dried cars, Landis answered.

“What do you want?! I don’t have time for this right now – Hey douche your car is dry!”

I asked about what I heard and if this was true.

“Listen if I got something important to announce to the world I’m not going to tell someone whose website is slang for ‘ass!’ Shit I’ll talk to Wall Street Journal. They give me free copies which I use to line the walls of my shack. That paper is thick and absorbent.”

And then there was the click followed by a dial tone. My conversation was over. So is Floyd Landis racing in the Nevada City Classic? I don’t know, but if you’re in the area I’d grab a spot on the corner, grab a cold one and watch it all go by. That’s what I’ll be doing.


  1. at says:

    This type of humor worked before the letter leak and such.. I think folks are waiting to get some real information, so the joking probably should be put on hold for a bit, go ahead if you may.. 1 or 2 folks may like it.. in the words of Sam Elliot, “Darkness fell over the Dude. Darker than a black steers tucus on a moonless prairie”

    give it a 1/2 year from now.. or 1/2 year after things black steers poop start hitting fans.. then it will be more accepted.. these men are nihilists, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

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