Let’s face it, if you’re a manager of a ProTour level team there can be a lot of people under your employ. Of course there’s the racers – at least 25. Then you have mechanics, soigneurs, bus drivers, and office staff back at the team headquarters…you get the point. Who can keep track of it all? And let’s face it, it’s only a matter of time before someone is involved in some sort of scandal – from the manager for not following team protocol, a rogue employee transporting PEDs across borders, or a rider partying a little too hard at the post-race celebration. So as a service to team owners I’ve created a form to help you out when the situation goes “pear-shaped.” Just choose the appropriate word or phrase that’s in the brackets and you’ve got an instant statement of denial.

I was quite (mad/ embarrassed/ surprised he was caught) when I heard that (staff member/ family member) has (been arrested/ had his house searched/ wrote a book) for (doping/ smuggling/ stealing office supplies). However, we barely remember that (rider/ mechanic/ soigneur/ bus driver/ family member/ groupie). In fact I just (heard/ read/ was told/ saw on Twitter and/or Facebook) about this and can’t comment. And yes, past squad rosters have shown that (he/ she) was at Tour of (country name) but (staff member/ family member) had little to no contact with the team. I am certain (team name) will be proven (innocent/ naïve/ out of touch).

Our team policy has (zero/ almost no) tolerance of (doping/ banging under-age groupies/ stealing office supplies) and (staff member/ rider) has been (terminated/ suspended/ transferred to the U23 squad). I will not be (conducting interviews/ Twittering/ updating Facebook status) during the duration of the Tour of (country name).

We have a meeting scheduled with (UCI president/ UCI Overlord/ country’s cycling federation/ title sponsor/ Mark Fabiani) so we can (get to the bottom of this/ spin the story/ pay off the appropriate person). In conclusion (thank you for your understanding/ go screw yourself/ blah, blah, blah).